Bachelor begins with the six gals and their main squeeze flying into St. Croix. Whenever the bachelorettes are forced to ride in small aircraft, I think about how they might be air sick. Probably at least one is air sick. I would be barfing on that small, scary sea plane.
Anyway, the gals arrive at the fabulous resort paradise, which is totally a realistic simulation of what daily life would be like married to Sean, and Tierra insists on sleeping in the hallway on a rollaway. Girl knows how to drive a rift.
AshLee gets the first date card, and away we go. The pair heads out on a yacht. Sean makes AshLee plummet from the back of the boat to prove her love, trust and vulnerability. Later, she gets to lie on the sand and tell Sean the truth about Tierrable. Sean thinks, “I really like your side boob a lot.” Then, the two entwine on the beach and make out to dramatic fanfare music.
Meanwhile, Tierra gets a date card to explore the streets of St. Croix. She complains about the activity. It will be hot, sweaty, and buggy, she says. Cut to Lesley, who sighs deeply and says, “I hate that bitch.” Lesley becomes my favorite contestant.
Back on the date, AshLee prepares to drop a bomb. She says wants to breeze through it, but she belabors the intro. Bets at our house about what her confession will be. I’m guessing she had a child that she placed for adoption. Others think it’s drugs. Turns out, AshLee is actually totally boring: she randomly got married when she was 17 to spite her mother. Whatever. Sean seems unphased, clearing the way for AshLee to shout awkwardly about loving Sean. Sean says, “AshLee is special.”
Time for Tierrable’s one-on-one. Right off the bat, Tierra is “hot, gross, and thirsty.” Accentuate the positive, Tierra! The couple hit up the street vendors, and Tierra claims to love a ginormous shrimp-shaped necklace. I don’t think she could possibly care for it, as it’s ugly. Sean and Tierra “coincidentally” encounter a crazy street parade. I’m sure this is the authentic culture in St. Croix.
Through it all, Tierra claims to be “fun, outgoing, and sweet.” BFF Erin, viewing at our house, proclaims that’s she’s actually “really pretty if she doesn’t say anything.” At the romantic dinner, Tierra wears a necklace I also own. I bought on clearance in Target. After dinner, we get to see close-ups of Tierra’s dirty and sandy feet. Then, she forces Sean to press his nose into her armpit while she declares her love.
Next morning at 4:45, Sean sneaks in to the compound. Sean wants to see what they look like without pounds of makeup. We all then get to see them without makeup, which annoys me because they look young and fresh. I guess that’s because they are actually young and fresh, whereas I am actually 34. According to Tierra, it’s time for me to call the nursing home.
The four group-daters race to the eastern point of the island to view the sunset, which is romantic and special. And also crowded.